SOUNDS TO FALL ASLEEP BY

A month ago we were in the middle of a plague.  The ten plagues God set on Egypt to convince Pharaoh to let his people go had nothing on the mosquito population we were enduring at the end of June.  It was bad.

So bad, in fact, that I had a wish come true.

For years and years I had wanted to equip our yard, with its naturally occurring mosquito breeding ground, with a high tech remedy to destroy the hordes that Mother Nature is so generous with.

 I’m not a fan of spraying poison into the environment, so that solution wasn’t going to happen.  They say that pouring a little gas on their breeding pond will asphyxiate the nymphs, but I’m not a fan of having a flammable pond on the premises, and besides … do you know what gas costs these days?  Face book was full of testimonials about how a mix of stale beer, blue mouthwash and Epsom salts would drive the bugs away, but really?  Who lets beer go stale?  The alternative was to spray our bodies down with probably poisonous, probably flammable, and most assuredly stinky-as-stale-beer insect repellant and hope for the best.

For years my dream has been a bug zapper. 

Now, just for the record, normally I’m a fairly nice person.  I’m the live-and-let-live type.  Oh sure, I have lower tolerances for things like yappy little dogs and rude people, but I don’t derive pleasure from fantasies of their electrocution.  It’s different with mosquitoes, though: I want them all to die painful, horrible deaths.  My apologies to everyone whom I’ve offended with this hate speech.

I don’t know what tipped the scales this year.  Like I said, I’ve wanted a bug zapper for ages, but I could never sell the idea to the guy who would be expected to install it.  Maybe his change of heart came after inhaling one too many mosquitoes, but suddenly he wanted one too.  It was one of the most instant purchases I’ve ever made; there would be no backing out.

Who knew the difficulty level of installing a bug zapper would be so high?  First there was lengthy discussion on where it should go.  I said mid yard and he said closer to the house.  I won because the power source from a decommissioned well was already in place.  Secondly, a pole had to be erected.  That was the part that had held this operation off for years.  I left it completely in the man’s hands: he chose drill stem for the job and commenced fancying it up with ornamental welding and artwork.  An entire generation of mosquitoes died of old age waiting for his masterpiece to be finished.

The installation of the pole was another adventure.  He drilled his hole only to tangle the auger in wire and hose from the old well.  We unraveled that mess and moved over two feet.  The ground was so saturated we ended up with mini well, a third move was required.  Once the hole was ready we discovered how heavy twenty feet of fancy drill stem, and how inaccurate a wife’s hand signals can be when guiding pole delivering tractors.  (Ah!  More of those lovey dovey memories!)

Even after the pole was planted there were adjustments to be made … being as he had topped it off with a weathervane we thought it would be a nice touch if south actually pointed south.

By the time all this had been accomplished the yard was a mess of tractor tire ruts requiring multiple loads of topsoil to level it out.  Some folks would see this as a mess but I consider it a bonus.  I have claimed the whole area as my newest garden area, planted two shrubs, and told him to be on the lookout for a big flat rock.

But the sweetest thing is that the bug zapper works, just like I had always dreamed of.  The first couple mornings the dirt beneath the light was strewn with the carcasses of many many mosquitoes.  By day three the wire mesh that delivers the voltage was full of baked on bug bodies.  It took a few days for the wind to knock them loose, but it didn’t seem to slow down the death toll.

It’s been a month now.  The mosquito population is way down, but so is the stagnant water they deliver their babies in.  Also, their natural predators, the dragon flies, are building up their population.  There’s no way to tell which of these factors has had the most impact, all I know is that life is much more pleasant now.  And it’s not only the freedom from flying hordes of blood suckers that makes me happy, it’s also the faint bzzt bzzt that I hear as I drift off to sleep, thinking to myself “And another one bites the dust!”