MASTER PROCRASTER

I don’t mean to brag, but this is my field of expertise and I’m at the top of my game. 

There is a list of ‘things to do’ as long as my arm, and here I am, ignoring it to the best of my ability.  And believe me, given the practice I’ve had at this game of procrastination, I have some formidable ability on my resume.

For instance, there’s that stack of 2018 papers, bills and receipts poking my consciousness from the other desk in this room.  The un-fun desk.  The working-with-numbers desk.  I am sitting at the one with the computer on it.  This is where I get to use my imagination, not a calculator.  I know there will come a time when I can’t ignore the job any longer, but so far the accountant hasn’t sent me the annual summons letter.  I wonder: how much time do I have left?

At least I have managed to get this far.  Meaning, all the way to the office.  And, I am writing, after all.  Not the project that I came to do.  Not the one with an actual deadline.  

On the other hand, Microsoft Word is open and I am typing; today isn’t going to be a dead loss.  Yesterday all I did was read other things I have written over the years, looking for inspiration, which is still better than scrolling through Facebook, and perhaps visiting with friends who are likewise avoiding doing anything productive.  Such were yesterday’s accomplishments.

There is also a job I even volunteered for on my procrastination agenda.  The minute I said I would do it I started coming up with ways to put it off.  I’m on a board planning a social event and we need meal ideas and quotes … which involves making business phone calls … which is one of my least favorite things to do.   My first excuse was that it was the weekend, and now I’m dithering about when is the best time of day to do it.  Dithering could take a few days.  My only deadline for this is our next meeting … the date of which is my call because I am the chairperson.  This puts me in a self-contained loop of procrastination – a best case scenario if there ever was one.  All except for, obviously, come July 1^st, people are going to want something to eat.

A friend and I recently discussed our natural procrastination proclivities.  We both had the same task on our list of things to do … a trip to SARCAN.  One would think that being paid for your work would sweeten the deal but, no, we were both soon going to drown in an avalanche of cans and plastic bottles and neither of us seemed able to organize the effort to fix it.  My first excuse is that I don’t like doing it in the winter.  And, come spring the load will be so big I won’t be able to fit them all in my vehicle so I will need to arrange getting the half ton which will be at work by then.  (See?  A procrastinator worth her salt can project excuses well into the next year without even breaking a sweat).

And yet these are only examples of the short term, day-to-day stuff that anyone can put off for months at a time.  To truly excel in the Discipline of Procrastination one has to pick something monumental and putter at it so inconsistently that no one (including yourself) is convinced it will ever get done.  Hence, I have ‘write a novel’ on my long term bucket list.

The inspiration for it is nearly 14 years old.  I have most of it worked out in my mind and have a fair number of chapters actually written.  The work is sporadic which actually works in my favor – if you don’t read something for months the mistakes you made jump out at you, screaming to be fixed.  The story hasn’t moved forward in a year or two but what I have is pretty solid.  Given my age and the average life span in my family I am anticipating another couple decades to finish it.  My children may have to publish it.

But, enough about me and my ability to (not) get things done.

I have some phone calls to make.