JUST US, GOING CRAZY

DAILY JOURNAL: FEBRUARY 12, 2021

ME:  So it’s another day, another dollar again, eh?  Well, I guess it’s probably more than one dollar.  I should really divide my pension check by the number of days in the month and see.  And bonus!  It’s February!  28 days!  Best write that down though, while I look for my calculator.

DOG:  So it’s another day out there.  Come on somebody!  The sun’s coming up and I need to go outside!  Not to pee, I’ll save that for later.  I just want to stand at the edge of the deck and growl at the blinking light on the school bus a mile away. 

CAT:  So, it’s another day, eh?  I’ve been thumping on this door for an hour making it sound like I’m desperate to get out of the laundry room.  Ah, there!  The door is open ... I will now pause, stretch, wash my face, and sashay over toward the deck door to pretend I want out that one too.  The dog beat me to it.  I will wait until he’s back inside and all the humans are sitting down.

ME:  And the pandemic didn’t go away while we slept last night so I guess we should sit down and listen to the latest statistics.  I will just take my mug of coffee and my iPad and go sit in my comfy chair ... darned cat!  That’s my chair!  Move! 

DOG:  How come that stupid cat has furniture privileges?  No fair!  I’ve been here for years and I’m not allowed on any furniture!  Ha!  He just got the boot.  Serves him right being all high and mighty!  Oh no!  He heard that ... stop that!  Leave my ears alone!  I don’t play cat games! I must not wag my tail!  Don’t wag my tail!  Don’t give the jerk a moving target to play with!

ME:  Eenie meenie miny mo – vacuum first?  Or laundry?  Or dishes?  If it wasn’t 50 below zero I would go for a walk.  Oh crap!  Did I say that out loud?  The dog is looking at me funny.  Can he read minds too?  I AM NOT GOING FOR A WALK!

CAT:  Well, this is boring.  I need to liven things up a bit.  What shall it be?  Shall I dig in her house plants?  Get in behind the TV and play with the wires?  Torment the dog?  Insist someone refill my food dish as it is only one quarter full?  Decisions, decisions.

DOG:  The woman is demented.  There she goes again.  Up and down the stairs.  Over and over.  Nobody can forget what they went for that many times in a row!  Hey!  It’s a dog bone!  You went for a frozen soup bone for good old Turbo!  Would I lie to you?  Don’t wag my tail!  Don’t wag my tail!  Stupid cat!

ME:  The eternal question – what to make for supper?  We should all give up food for lent.

CAT:  Hey!  Somebody let me out of here!  I’m in the porch closet!  Why would anyone shut the door while I was in here?

DOG:  Hehehehehe

ME:  I am being stalked by both the dog and the cat.  They smell thawing hamburger and feel entitled.  If it wasn’t 50 below zero I would banish them both until after supper.  I just tripped over the dog and the cat is on his third crazed stampede from one end of the house to the other.  We are all going shack wacky.

DOG:  Look who’s judging the cat for unnecessary trips to nowhere, crazy stairs lady.

CAT:  Man that dog is dumb!  Here I am distracting the human so he can grab the meat and run.  And all he’s doing is standing there, drooling all over the floor!

ME:  Should I make a dessert too?  So many calories, but we really enjoy a sweet treat after supper.  Let me check my Fitbit count.  Not too shabby!  Well over the 6000 steps so far and ten flights of stairs.  You know if I do 15 minutes on the elliptical, or maybe 10 more flights of stairs I’m good for a bowl of rice pudding!

DOG:  Now what!  That woman is nuttier than a fruit cake.  She’s looking at that pretend walker again but that’s where the man always hangs his coats and it’s full.  And so, away she goes with the stairs again!  A bone!  A bone, I say!  Look eager and happy.  She will want to reward me if I am happy!  Pant!  Smile!  Wag my tail!

Oh god!  DON’T wag my tail!  Stupid cat!

CAT:  Hehehehe

ME:  What’s this sticky note all about?  A dollar sign and the word ‘February’.