FUNNY: NOT FUNNY

Hear ye!  Hear ye!  I will now call this assembly to order.  Please be seated, there is much to discuss.

So, Howard, would you like to set up your flip charts and show us what the numbers are today?  No?  What’s that you say?  You’ve had to order larger charts because the numbers are too big to fit on the old ones?  Can you see about borrowing some from the finance department?  They’ve got some that can handle up into the trillions.  God help us if we go over that.

Okay, Geraldine, while we wait for Howard to work that out, could you explain what you are doing?  Measuring the room?  What on Earth for?  What do you mean there are too many people per square foot?  It was the biggest room we could get.  Would you rather meet out in the open?

No!  No!  No!  I didn’t mean that we would try an outside meeting!  Settle down, I wouldn’t subject you to that.

Can we please just get on with this meeting Geraldine?  Everyone is wearing a mask and was hosed down with sanitizer as they walked through the door.  That should do the trick.

Who is next?  Floyd?  Do you want to speak on the state of small businesses?  Ha Ha, very funny.  No one actually wants to speak on this topic, but it is your department.  It’s why you’re at this meeting.  No, no, go ahead, take some antacid.  How many ulcers are you up to now?  My doctor just spotted another one for me the other day, and he says the trembling isn’t Parkinson’s.  Just a nervous tick; probably go away in a year or two.

Mabel?  How about you?  How is the restaurant industry doing?  Awe!  Please don’t start crying.  There there!  Can someone give Mabel a hug?  A virtual hug, mind you!  Keep your distance everyone!  Mabel, I know this snowstorm isn’t your fault.  Everyone was just getting moved out to their summer patio space and feeling good about this one small thing and then winter came back.  We can’t be blamed for the weather too!

What’s that you say Frank?  We can?  Says who?  Right wing media?  Conspiracy theorists? Ah!  Of course.  Never mind Mabel, sit down and compose yourself.  We’ll come back to you.

Has anyone seen Howard?  He was just about ready and then got a whole new download of numbers?  Poor guy.  Personally, I don’t know how he keeps them all straight.  I’ve seen so many numbers over the past year they have lost their meaning.  Statisticians sound like the teacher in Charlie Brown comics ... whah whah whah ...

How about someone from the medical community?  Oh, I see.  They drew straws to see who got to attend this meeting and the guy who won is curled up in the corner fast asleep.  Probably the first sound sleep he’s had in days.  No just let him rest, we all know how bad it is over there.

I’m sorry people.  I know this is hard.  It’s not like we knew what we were getting into when we signed up for this government gig.  Anyone who thought it was just going to be an ego trip has had that bubble burst, and the rest of us who felt that we had something to give to our constituents are beginning to think there is probably a clause that says “every single decision you make will be wrong” in tiny print at the bottom of our contract.

The thing is it doesn’t matter what people say, this isn’t over yet.  We are close.  We are rolling out the vaccinations as fast as we get them, aren’t we Sally?  Oh, by the way, has anyone got any ideas on how we can motivate more people to get vaccinated?  This business of individual rights putting the overall public at risk can be so frustrating!  Yes, yes, I know ... that’s not our call.

Oh well, we may as well get to the reason for this meeting.  We all know how bad it is out there.  We know people will be angry about what has to come next ... well, except for those who have lost someone to this virus.  It’s such irony that the number of deceased is both too high because of the loss, and too low to impress the healthy and unaffected at the same time.  We will have to forge ahead with what we think is the best course of action.

Please don’t start crying again Mabel.  We’ll get through this.

The vote was taken last night and it has been decided that it is best to leave the rest of the school year in distance learning mode.

I know that there are at least 101 things wrong with this plan.  We can only hope that there are 102 things right.

We have arranged for Sasktel to announce they will be dropping data charges until end of June.  It’s kind of like putting lipstick on a pig, but it’s the best we can do.